Today when I woke up, I wasn't thinking, "Geesh, I need to do something about this flab hanging over the bed, Stacey." If that line sounds familiar, think the movie Monster's Inc. It began like any other day. We ate breakfast--I had a bowl of rice crispies with sugar added. I did dishes and swept the floor. Normal stuff. Then Wyatt asked to go swimming, so we got on our bathing suits and headed to the pool. Wyatt was already in the pool as I was trying to hoist myself over the ladder. As I gracefully fell into the pool, Wyatt looked at me and laughed. Then he asked ever so innocently, "Mommy, why do your legs jiggle?"
I contemplated lying. After all, I've been lying to myself by hiding the jiggle under long capris all summer. Instead, I decided to be honest and tell him the truth. "Because I don't eat healthy and I'm fat."
Without hesitation he responded, "That's because you need to exercise," and he continued swimming like it was no big deal. Only almost 5, and he's already smarter than me.
The rest of the morning, I wallowed in self-pity, feeling bad about my jiggle legs and the rest of my body. You would think that in itself would have made me want to make a change right then and there. But instead I decided to feed my sadness with a trip to McDonald's after we went to the bank. Feeding my emotions is something I've been doing my whole life, so I knew my conversation with Wyatt that morning wasn't going to change anything instantly.
As the kids and I sat at the table, I looked down at the fries and cheeseburger in front of me. Then I looked at the 3 beautiful kids sitting next to me. My babies, the only people in this world that I would do absolutely anything for, including giving up my life for them. Then it hit me. I wasn't living for them at all. I wasn't even living for myself. I'm killing myself. Slowly. Painfully. I'm eating myself to death.
I threw the rest of my cheeseburger away. I wanted to cry, but crying in front of my kids would only upset them, too. I managed to get all 3 of them tucked in for naps, and then I came downstairs and cried. And I cried some more. I cried more than I've cried in a really long time. I finally admitted to myself that something has got to give. Ironically, I got Zumba for the Wii a few weeks ago, thinking that maybe I should give exercise a try. I opened it the other day and read about it while I enjoyed some oreos. Yes, I know. That's crazy. But it's true. And what's even more sad is that I really didn't give it a second thought as I stuffed the oreos in my mouth. So today, I threw away the rest of the oreos and then I put the Zumba game into the Wii and did 20 minutes of exercise. That's the first "real" exercise I've done since 2004. It felt good to sweat.
I still don't know how I'm going to go about this. I'm researching my options. I know I don't want surgery. That's too risky and too drastic. I want to find a LIFESTYLE, not a diet. I'm not into the fad diets that promise weight loss that sounds too good to be true. I'm going to start by making better choices and adding exercise into my life. I'm leaning towards Weight Watchers and joing the YMCA. Baby steps...that's the only way I can look at this.
I've got a daunting road ahead of me. I've got to reteach my body how to live. I've got to teach myself better habits. I only have one life to live, and I don't want to live it in the body I have now. It's not really living anyways. More like dying slowly. I asked Jason to dig out the scale tonight and I braved it for the first time in years. The number still hurts, and I'm not ready to admit publicy what it is. I will some day. I'm ashamed and I need to get over the shock first.
What I need to do to get to a healthy BMI and weight is lose half of my body weight. And though I AM doing this for myself, I'm doing it for my babies. For those 3 precious miracles who rely on me to do my best for them. They need me. Even when they're adults, they're going to need me, and I want desperately to be here for them. I want to be the mom who can help them practice their softball by pitching to them and chasing after the ball. I want to be able to help them with their dance moves. Their soccer skills. Their basketball. Whatever it is, I want to be there for them. I don't want to be the fat mom on the sidelines. I've lived life long enough on the sidelines. Enough is enough.
And so today begins my journey--I need to be half of my size and I'm doing this for Wyatt Eldon, Carlie Jane and Kendra Mae. I want to be a better example for them. I want to live my life to the fullest. Half of me, all for them!
Starting weight: ____ (Someday, I'll share. I really will.)
Current Goal: Lose 10 lbs by Sept. 15 (Jason's deployment day)
Current state of mind: Overwhelmed but hopeful