Tuesday, August 16, 2011


Sometimes I wonder what it'll be like to be thin. Not really thin, I guess. Just healthy. I'm so used to seeing a fat person when I look in the mirror. I have a difficult time imagining what I'll look like when I weigh 160 pounds. I think the last time I weighed 160 pounds was junior high. I've looked at pictures of myself from those years of my life, but those really aren't a good comparison. I was shorter then, and my boobs hadn't made an appearance yet.

I'm afraid I won't like myself when I get to my goal weight. I guess maybe that's a stupid fear. Who doesn't like a thinner version of themselves? I've had the same fear in the past when I've tried to lose weight, and I think it ultimately sabotaged me. I figured why bother if I won't like who I am when I get there. I find myself feeling that way this time, too.

I worry about my stomach. Well, now I guess you could say stomachs. Will those two stomachs I've developed merge into one? Or will I still have issues with tummy hanging over my pants? I've had dreams that I lost weight--my arms were tone, my legs were lean, my face looked great. And then I lifted my shirt to check out my stomach. Much to my dismay, I still had 2 flabby stomachs that were the same size as when I started trying to lose weight. I know it was a dream (more like a nightmare) but it has me scared that my stomach will be that way when I get to a healthy weight.

Loose skin. That freaks me out, too. I've got stretch marks that aren't from pregnancy. I know they won't go away. So what will happen to my skin? Will it be all saggy and gross? If so, what's the point? I could never have surgery to remove loose skin.

What about my boobs? What will happen to them? I've had a breast reduction. I worry about if I'll have the appropriate proportions when I get to 160 pounds. I weighed over 200 when I had the reduction. What if I had too much removed and I'm like an A cup or something? I know that won't happen in reality, but I'm still afraid I'll look silly with whatever boobs I have left when I lose the weight.

Fears are a tricky thing. I'm trying not to let them hold me back from accomplishing my goal. Really, all I want to do is BE HEALTHY. I'm not sure that 160 pounds is the magical weight to attach to the word healthy. I might get to 160 and feel like I need to lose a few more, or I might get to 170 and call it good. Who knows. But these fears are trying to hold me back. I think I'm afraid to look good, mostly because I've never had much self-esteem. I've never put on a pair of jeans and thought, "Dang, I look hot." I usually put on a t-shirt and baggy pants to cover up the fat. What will I do when there's no fat to cover anymore? Will I like the way I look?

I still have a long journey ahead of me. I know in my heart that I CAN do this. I just need to crush these fears before they hold me back from doing what I need to do. I know that some day, I'll look in the mirror and love the woman staring back at me. And if I happen to look good in a bathing suit, then that's a bonus. I need to work on loving myself from the inside out. I'm getting there--one day at a time.

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