The other day I had to get my military ID card, and I had to bring two forms on ID, one of which was my driver's license. The weight on the card says 230. Yeah, it's off by a few pounds. I'm guessing that's what I weighed when I was 21, and I just never bothered to change it when I had to renew my license. I mean, really, who would say, "Oh yeah. I need to change the weight. Could you add about 60 pounds to it?"
Then I started to think about all the things I can't wait to do once I lose this weight and get healthy, so I decided to start a list. Some people have a Bucket List. Well, I have a "When I get thin" list.
1. Accidentally lose my Driver's License so I can get a new one with the appropriate weight. It will be less than the 230 that's currently on the license. Yes, I know I'll have to pay for a replacement, but it'll be worth every penny when they ask me if I still weigh 230, and I can say, "No. Make that 160, please!"
2. Wear my husband's clothes just because I can. I've always been heavier than Jason. I can't wait to steal his t-shirts and pajama pants.
3. Ride the rides at Cedar Point. I guess there's a 250 pound weight limit on all the rides. How lame would it be to pay all that money to get in and then not be able to ride anything? Some day my kids are going to want to ride roller coasters, and I don't want to have to say, "Nah, Mommy can't ride. I'm too fat." That would be awful! This time next year, I hope to be going to Cedar Point and riding whatever I want.
4. Jason is deploying next month. This will be our 3rd deployment. At the previous two homecomings, I've seen so many wives and girlfriends run and jump into their man's arms. It's like a movie--really, it is. There was never any running and jumping, though, because I'm too heavy to be held. I'd probably break his back and then we'd spend the remainder of the day in the ER or something. So this time when he returns home, I want to be light enough to be one of those wives running and jumping into his arms. I've got about 13 months to get there.
5. Wearing shorts. I refuse to wear shorts in public. Too much jiggle on the legs. I'm not saying I'll be sporting Daisy Dukes (isn't there an age limit AND weight limit on those?). But I will be thin enough to wear shorts in public without scarring anyone for life if they look at me.
6. Shopping in the regular part of stores for clothes. Don't get me wrong--I love stores like Lane Bryant. They provide fashionable clothes for those of us with a bit more to love. But I'd prefer never to set foot in there again after I lose all this weight. I'd love to be able to walk into Old Navy and buy whatever I want for myself. I can't wait to buy clothes. In a regular store. With a size that doesn't have an X in it.
7. Have professional family portraits done. We have some with me in them, but I'm so uncomfortable getting my picture taken that I avoid it at all costs. I'd love to have some beautiful family pictures taken without feeling like I have to hide myself with one of the kids.
8. Go the beach and be proud to wear a bathing suit. We went to the beach this summer, and I did wear a bathing suit with a cover up. I avoided taking the cover up off, even though I know it didn't cover the fact that I'm fat. I'd love to be able to take the kids up to the Lake Erie beaches on a regular basis and not be ashamed to wear a bathing suit and swim.
I'm sure there are more things I'll add to the list as I go along. I'm slowly starting to realize that I have so much to look forward to when I get healthy and thin. Maybe thin isn't really the most appropriate word, though. I just want to be a healthy weight. I want to feel good about the skin I'm in. Right now at 290ish (weigh in is tomorrow) pounds, I'm happy with my life and those in it. But I'm not happy with how I'm living it. My weight holds me back from doing so many things I'd love to do. That's not living life to the fullest.
So far I've been making healthy choices and I feel like my effort is paying off. I just hope I don't lost my motivation along the way. I've got some challenging months ahead of me with Jason being gone for an entire year. No doubt I'm going to want to fill my days of loneliness with food. It's going to be a struggle, and hopefully any time I feel tempted to feed my emotions, I can just reread this list instead and remind myself why I'm doing this.
On this list, the thing I'm looking forward to the most is the day Jason gets home. I really do want to look like a different person. I really do want him to be able to hold me when I jump into his arms. There are several days that I can remember like they were yesterday: my wedding day, the day each of my children were born, and the days that Jason came home from a deployment. I want to be able to remember this next "Coming Home" day as the day he saw me again for the first time. I want to have my own movie moment when I run to him and jump into his arms. That will be worth all this hard work and struggle along the way.