Tuesday, August 2, 2011

How did I get here?

My mom claims that she bought me slim jeans when I was a kid. I think she's lying. I never remember being thin. I'm sure there are pictures somewhere to prove it.

I'm not really sure how I got here. Back in 2004, I did a brief stint with Weight Watchers and got down to 215 pounds. That's the lowest I remember my weight being for quite awhile. I'm not sure how much I weighed when I got married in 2002, but I know it wasn't less than 200. My wedding gown was a size 20.

So, how did I get here? How did I let myself get to ___ pounds. Someday I'll share my starting weight. I promise. It's my ploy to keep you reading. Haha! Not really. I'm still just so ashamed to say what I weigh. I'm borderline whale status. Really, I am.

As a kid, I remember feeling fat. Goodness, what I wouldn't give to weigh what I weighed on the day I graduated from high school. I'm guessing I was around 175. I was picked on in school. Boys called me "Thunder Thighs" and they'd point their noses up at me and snort like a pig when I walked by. Those things hurt, and instead of that motivating me to lose weight, I fed my sadness with food. I can remember thinking eating 2 cheeseburgers, fries and a Hershey Sundae Pie from Burger King was normal. I don't think I was ever able to shop in the Junior's section of a department store. I went from wearing the "plus size girl" clothes to womens to eventually plus size. I'm slowly inching myself out of even being able to shop in a regular store at my current weight.

So it's no wonder I find myself where I am today. Old habits die hard.

I think my first major downward spiral happened after I quit Weight Watchers in 2004. My husband had deployed for the first time, and I started graduate school. Not a good combination for someone trying to lose weight. I found myself stuck in front of a computer screen writing papers. It was easier to order pizza or drive down the street to McDonalds than it was to cook for myself. I kept telling myself I'd get back on the health wagon after I finished graduate school.

When I graduated with my Master's, I was pregnant with my first child (Don't worry. My husband was home from the deployment. Wyatt is most definitely his child. Haha!). The weight loss train would have to wait. Then I started working as a teacher. Anyone who has ever been a first year teacher will tell you it's stressful. Add to that having a newborn, and food became my friend again. When Wyatt was 14 months old, I got pregnant with Carlie. Jason was deployed again for all of 2008. I used being pregnant as an excuse to eat what I wanted, and I never did lose any baby weight from either pregnancy.

At the start of my pregnancy with Kendra in 2009, I weighed around 270. I don't know exactly because I'd never ask or look at the scale when I went for my appointments with my midwife. So from 2004 to 2009, I let myself gain over 60 pounds. That means if I continue on with my current lifestyle, I could easily gain another 60 pounds by 2016.

It ain't happenin'!

I'm ashamed of myself for letting my weight get this out of control. My love affair with food and my sedintary lifestyle are killing me. I don't know why food has such a control over me. I guess maybe because it has never let me down. It makes me feel better to eat when I'm sad. When I'm mad. When I'm happy. But at the end of the day, it's just food. I'm at the point where I have to decide what's more important--eating that Bacon and Cheese Snack Wrap from the Golden Arches or choosing a salad and being there to see my babies grow up.

My taste buds will adjust eventually. The first few weeks will be the most difficult. I know that I can do this, though. I have to. There really is no other option unless I want to die from obesity. I guess it's kind of like a detox from junk food. It'll hurt, it'll suck, but in the end, it'll be worth it.

I'm no longer going to dwell on how I got here. Making myself feel like such a failure for my weight isn't going to help me. Today I'm moving forward. It's a new day to be a better me, and I'm going to start each morning by reminding myself that I'm worth it. My kids are worth it. My family is worth it. How I got here no longer matters. It's where I'm going that is important.

Current weight: 298.
I told you I'd share eventually. And since how I got here doesn't matter anymore, I'm ready to say good bye to that weight that is just a number. It doesn't define who I am. And I can say with confindence that I'll never see 298 again.
Current Goal: 288 by Sept. 15
Current State of Mind: Confident

1 comment:

  1. You are amazing! Moving forward with a positive attitude is so the way to go. For me self loathing and shame lead to eating way more than I should and burying my feelings with food. Wonderful posts!