The Junk Food Detox--it sucks.

I'm an addict and food is my crack.

It really is true that food IS an addiction. I'm sure people look at me all the time and think, "Geesh, lay off the Butterfingers and fries, fatty." A thin, healthy person who has never struggled with their weight probably thinks it should just be easy to start eating right and exercising. How hard could it be?

Well, I'm here to tell you that I'm only on day 2 of the junk food detox, and it sucks. It's hard. Last night all I could think of was a Butterfinger flurry from the dairy queen. I even visualized myself driving to get one at our favorite ice cream stand, and of course on this visualized drive, I had to drive right by Taco Bell. So then my mind was on a chicken burrito and nachos with cheese. It took everything I had not to go get them both. Then I actually contemplated digging the oreos out of the trash that I threw away the day before. Desperate? Maybe. Instead, I went into the kitchen and grabbed some grapes and a few cubes of cheese to go with my water.

The good thing is I mananged to squash the craving for the bad food, and I made a healthy choice. Me: 1. Junk Food: 0. In fact, I haven't had a bite of unhealthy food since the McDonald's I ate for lunch when my whole revelation occurred that I needed to do something about my food addiction and weight. I haven't even had a sip of diet pop in 48 hours. If you know me, you know that is just plain unheard of. Two days might seem like nothing, but to an addict, 48 hours is a looooong time to go without a drug. Yes, I know food isn't a drug. But I'm telling you, I feel like I'm going through withdraw. Food was my drug. Maybe it still is, but I'm learning how to overcome the addiction.

I know it'll get better in time. Maybe someday my dreams at night will revolve around running a 5K and eating some spinach like Popeye, but right now I'm dreaming of double cheeseburgers and burritos. And I'll have to settle for only tasting those foods in my dreams.

Wyatt keeps me straight. Yesterday morning he cut up a banana for my breakfast while I was letting the dogs out, and when I tucked him in last night, he said, "Now, don't eat anything bad, Mommy. Drink water and maybe have some grapes." God love that kid--he really does remind me why I'm doing this. He even offered to try a bite of carrots at lunch today because "they're healthy." He spit them out when I wasn't looking. But at least he tried. I think that is what makes this all worth it. The kids are already trying to follow my example. They were dancing around for exercise this morning, and then Wyatt made me promise we'd walk to the post office later.

Detox sucks. No doubt about it. But I know that once I get over these first weeks, I won't even crave the foods I use to crave. I keep repeating to myself that I'm in control--food is something I only need to eat to sustain my body, not ruin it. And I need to keep making healthy choices. I'm going to overcome this food addiction one healthy choice at a time.

Mommy, why do your legs jiggle?

Today when I woke up, I wasn't thinking, "Geesh, I need to do something about this flab hanging over the bed, Stacey." If that line sounds familiar, think the movie Monster's Inc. It began like any other day. We ate breakfast--I had a bowl of rice crispies with sugar added. I did dishes and swept the floor. Normal stuff. Then Wyatt asked to go swimming, so we got on our bathing suits and headed to the pool. Wyatt was already in the pool as I was trying to hoist myself over the ladder. As I gracefully fell into the pool, Wyatt looked at me and laughed. Then he asked ever so innocently, "Mommy, why do your legs jiggle?"

I contemplated lying. After all, I've been lying to myself by hiding the jiggle under long capris all summer. Instead, I decided to be honest and tell him the truth. "Because I don't eat healthy and I'm fat."

Without hesitation he responded, "That's because you need to exercise," and he continued swimming like it was no big deal. Only almost 5, and he's already smarter than me.

The rest of the morning, I wallowed in self-pity, feeling bad about my jiggle legs and the rest of my body. You would think that in itself would have made me want to make a change right then and there. But instead I decided to feed my sadness with a trip to McDonald's after we went to the bank. Feeding my emotions is something I've been doing my whole life, so I knew my conversation with Wyatt that morning wasn't going to change anything instantly.

As the kids and I sat at the table, I looked down at the fries and cheeseburger in front of me. Then I looked at the 3 beautiful kids sitting next to me. My babies, the only people in this world that I would do absolutely anything for, including giving up my life for them. Then it hit me. I wasn't living for them at all. I wasn't even living for myself. I'm killing myself. Slowly. Painfully. I'm eating myself to death.

I threw the rest of my cheeseburger away. I wanted to cry, but crying in front of my kids would only upset them, too. I managed to get all 3 of them tucked in for naps, and then I came downstairs and cried. And I cried some more. I cried more than I've cried in a really long time. I finally admitted to myself that something has got to give. Ironically, I got Zumba for the Wii a few weeks ago, thinking that maybe I should give exercise a try. I opened it the other day and read about it while I enjoyed some oreos. Yes, I know. That's crazy. But it's true. And what's even more sad is that I really didn't give it a second thought as I stuffed the oreos in my mouth. So today, I threw away the rest of the oreos and then I put the Zumba game into the Wii and did 20 minutes of exercise. That's the first "real" exercise I've done since 2004. It felt good to sweat.

I still don't know how I'm going to go about this. I'm researching my options. I know I don't want surgery. That's too risky and too drastic. I want to find a LIFESTYLE, not a diet. I'm not into the fad diets that promise weight loss that sounds too good to be true. I'm going to start by making better choices and adding exercise into my life. I'm leaning towards Weight Watchers and joing the YMCA. Baby steps...that's the only way I can look at this.

I've got a daunting road ahead of me. I've got to reteach my body how to live. I've got to teach myself better habits. I only have one life to live, and I don't want to live it in the body I have now. It's not really living anyways. More like dying slowly. I asked Jason to dig out the scale tonight and I braved it for the first time in years. The number still hurts, and I'm not ready to admit publicy what it is. I will some day. I'm ashamed and I need to get over the shock first.

What I need to do to get to a healthy BMI and weight is lose half of my body weight. And though I AM doing this for myself, I'm doing it for my babies. For those 3 precious miracles who rely on me to do my best for them. They need me. Even when they're adults, they're going to need me, and I want desperately to be here for them. I want to be the mom who can help them practice their softball by pitching to them and chasing after the ball. I want to be able to help them with their dance moves. Their soccer skills. Their basketball. Whatever it is, I want to be there for them. I don't want to be the fat mom on the sidelines. I've lived life long enough on the sidelines. Enough is enough.

And so today begins my journey--I need to be half of my size and I'm doing this for Wyatt Eldon, Carlie Jane and Kendra Mae. I want to be a better example for them. I want to live my life to the fullest. Half of me, all for them!

Starting weight: ____ (Someday, I'll share. I really will.)
Current Goal: Lose 10 lbs by Sept. 15 (Jason's deployment day)
Current state of mind: Overwhelmed but hopeful