Well, not really walking. Not really running. I've been elliptical-ing.
My mom bought an elliptical over a year ago. I've never used it before. I did move it once to clean my son's Lincoln Logs up from around it, but it never occurred to me to try it out. This past Sunday we were at my parents' house, and I didn't get a chance to exercise before we went over, so I decided to give the elliptical a try.
At first, I thought I'd give it 10 minutes just to see how it worked and if I liked it, but since I really didn't know how to use it, I just pushed the button that said "Weight Loss 1." It's a 30 minute work out, and once I finished the first 10 minutes, I decided to keep going. Four miles and a bunch of sweat later, I decided that maybe I could learn to love the elliptical.
My parents live 40 minutes away from me, so going their house every day to use it just isn't feasible. My mom, who is an absolutely amazing person, agreed to let me borrow it so I could use it anytime I wanted to at home. Have I mentioned just how wonderful my mom is? She's the best!
On Monday, we borrowed my dad's truck to bring it home. Jason and I got it unloaded and situated in the living room, and even though it was 7:30 and almost bath time for the kids, I decided to give it another try. I did another 4 miles in 30 minutes.
I've used it 4 days in a row, 4 miles each time. I cannot believe that I have logged 16 miles in 4 days. I'm guessing if I added up all the walking I did from the beginning of the year until last Sunday, it might total 16. Not only that, but I've burned an estimated 2000 calories in 4 days. That is enough to motivate me to keep going. I even got up at 6:30 this morning to get my workout in before the kids got up. I'm hoping to make that a regular part of my day. It was actually peaceful to workout while watching the news without anyone yelling at me or for me.
Eventually I'll be joining the YMCA and adding some strength training to my routine, but for now I'm just happy that I'm exercising at all. For someone who's only form of exercise was lighting a fork to my mouth, I'd say I'm making progressing. And that's all I really can ask of myself. Baby steps. With each step, I'm one pound closer to my goal of being healthy and comfortable in my own skin.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Drum roll, please....the first weigh-in!
Before I share my weigh-in results, I'll start by saying that I began my journey to a new life on the first day of Auntie Flow, and I weighed myself in the evening with clothes on. That in itself is bound to make this first weigh-in look more impressive than it really is.
My weight on Aug. 1 was 298.
I'm one week into my journey, and I'm proud of what I've accomplished thus far. My only bite of "junk food" was a small (and I do mean small) slice of cake that we had for Kendra's first birthday party. Even at her party, I ate a turkey burger with a tbsp of lite Miracle Whip, 1/2 c. cottage cheese, and 2 pickles. Everyone else ate hamburgers, hot dogs, pasta salad, baked beans, chips and dip, and cake and ice cream. I'd say I did pretty good resisting all that not-so-healthy food. I stayed below the suggested caloric intake each day, and I exercised 5 out of 7 days. If vigorous cleaning is considered exercise, then I exercised 6 out of 7 days.
I've received so much support and encouragement this last week. My mom has been a major source of support. I've always known that she loves me unconditionally, and I know she'll love me no matter what I weigh. She just wants to see me get healthy and avoid complications like Type 2 Diabetes and high cholesterol due to my excessive weight. She even agreed to let me borrow her elliptical trainer indefinitely so I have a way to work out at home. I'm forever grateful for her encouragement.
I can already tell a difference. I put my capris on this morning, and they were loose enough to pull up and down without unbuttoning them. I couldn't do that a week ago. I feel better emotionally and physically, too. I've found myself smiling more than I did before.
One week down, a life time to go. All the sacrifices no longer seem like sacrifices to me. Giving up the junk food has been easier than I thought it would be. I still don't love exercise, but I'm learning to like it. Seeing results makes me want to keep going. Yesterday I did 4 miles in 30 minutes on the elliptical. I don't think I've ever walked 4 consecutive miles without a break. I find myself thinking I can't wait until I can go 5 or 6 miles in 30 minutes. It's motivating to see the miles tick by while I'm working out.
I'm saying goodbye to something today--I'm saying goodbye to the 290's! My first official weigh in was.....
288.5
9.5 pounds gone forever! I know next week's loss isn't likely to be as impressive because 1. I won't be retaining water and 2. I will weigh myself in the morning sans clothes.
Still, though, I've said goodbye to the 290's. I will NEVER see them again. And with each pound lost, I'm closer to my goal of being half my starting weight. The journey continues. I'm hopeful about what's in store for me. Slow and steady wins the races. The prize--a healthy body, mind, and spirit. So long 290's--you will NOT be missed!
My weight on Aug. 1 was 298.
I'm one week into my journey, and I'm proud of what I've accomplished thus far. My only bite of "junk food" was a small (and I do mean small) slice of cake that we had for Kendra's first birthday party. Even at her party, I ate a turkey burger with a tbsp of lite Miracle Whip, 1/2 c. cottage cheese, and 2 pickles. Everyone else ate hamburgers, hot dogs, pasta salad, baked beans, chips and dip, and cake and ice cream. I'd say I did pretty good resisting all that not-so-healthy food. I stayed below the suggested caloric intake each day, and I exercised 5 out of 7 days. If vigorous cleaning is considered exercise, then I exercised 6 out of 7 days.
I've received so much support and encouragement this last week. My mom has been a major source of support. I've always known that she loves me unconditionally, and I know she'll love me no matter what I weigh. She just wants to see me get healthy and avoid complications like Type 2 Diabetes and high cholesterol due to my excessive weight. She even agreed to let me borrow her elliptical trainer indefinitely so I have a way to work out at home. I'm forever grateful for her encouragement.
I can already tell a difference. I put my capris on this morning, and they were loose enough to pull up and down without unbuttoning them. I couldn't do that a week ago. I feel better emotionally and physically, too. I've found myself smiling more than I did before.
One week down, a life time to go. All the sacrifices no longer seem like sacrifices to me. Giving up the junk food has been easier than I thought it would be. I still don't love exercise, but I'm learning to like it. Seeing results makes me want to keep going. Yesterday I did 4 miles in 30 minutes on the elliptical. I don't think I've ever walked 4 consecutive miles without a break. I find myself thinking I can't wait until I can go 5 or 6 miles in 30 minutes. It's motivating to see the miles tick by while I'm working out.
I'm saying goodbye to something today--I'm saying goodbye to the 290's! My first official weigh in was.....
288.5
9.5 pounds gone forever! I know next week's loss isn't likely to be as impressive because 1. I won't be retaining water and 2. I will weigh myself in the morning sans clothes.
Still, though, I've said goodbye to the 290's. I will NEVER see them again. And with each pound lost, I'm closer to my goal of being half my starting weight. The journey continues. I'm hopeful about what's in store for me. Slow and steady wins the races. The prize--a healthy body, mind, and spirit. So long 290's--you will NOT be missed!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
My Driver's License is a lie...
The other day I had to get my military ID card, and I had to bring two forms on ID, one of which was my driver's license. The weight on the card says 230. Yeah, it's off by a few pounds. I'm guessing that's what I weighed when I was 21, and I just never bothered to change it when I had to renew my license. I mean, really, who would say, "Oh yeah. I need to change the weight. Could you add about 60 pounds to it?"
Then I started to think about all the things I can't wait to do once I lose this weight and get healthy, so I decided to start a list. Some people have a Bucket List. Well, I have a "When I get thin" list.
1. Accidentally lose my Driver's License so I can get a new one with the appropriate weight. It will be less than the 230 that's currently on the license. Yes, I know I'll have to pay for a replacement, but it'll be worth every penny when they ask me if I still weigh 230, and I can say, "No. Make that 160, please!"
2. Wear my husband's clothes just because I can. I've always been heavier than Jason. I can't wait to steal his t-shirts and pajama pants.
3. Ride the rides at Cedar Point. I guess there's a 250 pound weight limit on all the rides. How lame would it be to pay all that money to get in and then not be able to ride anything? Some day my kids are going to want to ride roller coasters, and I don't want to have to say, "Nah, Mommy can't ride. I'm too fat." That would be awful! This time next year, I hope to be going to Cedar Point and riding whatever I want.
4. Jason is deploying next month. This will be our 3rd deployment. At the previous two homecomings, I've seen so many wives and girlfriends run and jump into their man's arms. It's like a movie--really, it is. There was never any running and jumping, though, because I'm too heavy to be held. I'd probably break his back and then we'd spend the remainder of the day in the ER or something. So this time when he returns home, I want to be light enough to be one of those wives running and jumping into his arms. I've got about 13 months to get there.
5. Wearing shorts. I refuse to wear shorts in public. Too much jiggle on the legs. I'm not saying I'll be sporting Daisy Dukes (isn't there an age limit AND weight limit on those?). But I will be thin enough to wear shorts in public without scarring anyone for life if they look at me.
6. Shopping in the regular part of stores for clothes. Don't get me wrong--I love stores like Lane Bryant. They provide fashionable clothes for those of us with a bit more to love. But I'd prefer never to set foot in there again after I lose all this weight. I'd love to be able to walk into Old Navy and buy whatever I want for myself. I can't wait to buy clothes. In a regular store. With a size that doesn't have an X in it.
7. Have professional family portraits done. We have some with me in them, but I'm so uncomfortable getting my picture taken that I avoid it at all costs. I'd love to have some beautiful family pictures taken without feeling like I have to hide myself with one of the kids.
8. Go the beach and be proud to wear a bathing suit. We went to the beach this summer, and I did wear a bathing suit with a cover up. I avoided taking the cover up off, even though I know it didn't cover the fact that I'm fat. I'd love to be able to take the kids up to the Lake Erie beaches on a regular basis and not be ashamed to wear a bathing suit and swim.
I'm sure there are more things I'll add to the list as I go along. I'm slowly starting to realize that I have so much to look forward to when I get healthy and thin. Maybe thin isn't really the most appropriate word, though. I just want to be a healthy weight. I want to feel good about the skin I'm in. Right now at 290ish (weigh in is tomorrow) pounds, I'm happy with my life and those in it. But I'm not happy with how I'm living it. My weight holds me back from doing so many things I'd love to do. That's not living life to the fullest.
So far I've been making healthy choices and I feel like my effort is paying off. I just hope I don't lost my motivation along the way. I've got some challenging months ahead of me with Jason being gone for an entire year. No doubt I'm going to want to fill my days of loneliness with food. It's going to be a struggle, and hopefully any time I feel tempted to feed my emotions, I can just reread this list instead and remind myself why I'm doing this.
On this list, the thing I'm looking forward to the most is the day Jason gets home. I really do want to look like a different person. I really do want him to be able to hold me when I jump into his arms. There are several days that I can remember like they were yesterday: my wedding day, the day each of my children were born, and the days that Jason came home from a deployment. I want to be able to remember this next "Coming Home" day as the day he saw me again for the first time. I want to have my own movie moment when I run to him and jump into his arms. That will be worth all this hard work and struggle along the way.
Then I started to think about all the things I can't wait to do once I lose this weight and get healthy, so I decided to start a list. Some people have a Bucket List. Well, I have a "When I get thin" list.
1. Accidentally lose my Driver's License so I can get a new one with the appropriate weight. It will be less than the 230 that's currently on the license. Yes, I know I'll have to pay for a replacement, but it'll be worth every penny when they ask me if I still weigh 230, and I can say, "No. Make that 160, please!"
2. Wear my husband's clothes just because I can. I've always been heavier than Jason. I can't wait to steal his t-shirts and pajama pants.
3. Ride the rides at Cedar Point. I guess there's a 250 pound weight limit on all the rides. How lame would it be to pay all that money to get in and then not be able to ride anything? Some day my kids are going to want to ride roller coasters, and I don't want to have to say, "Nah, Mommy can't ride. I'm too fat." That would be awful! This time next year, I hope to be going to Cedar Point and riding whatever I want.
4. Jason is deploying next month. This will be our 3rd deployment. At the previous two homecomings, I've seen so many wives and girlfriends run and jump into their man's arms. It's like a movie--really, it is. There was never any running and jumping, though, because I'm too heavy to be held. I'd probably break his back and then we'd spend the remainder of the day in the ER or something. So this time when he returns home, I want to be light enough to be one of those wives running and jumping into his arms. I've got about 13 months to get there.
5. Wearing shorts. I refuse to wear shorts in public. Too much jiggle on the legs. I'm not saying I'll be sporting Daisy Dukes (isn't there an age limit AND weight limit on those?). But I will be thin enough to wear shorts in public without scarring anyone for life if they look at me.
6. Shopping in the regular part of stores for clothes. Don't get me wrong--I love stores like Lane Bryant. They provide fashionable clothes for those of us with a bit more to love. But I'd prefer never to set foot in there again after I lose all this weight. I'd love to be able to walk into Old Navy and buy whatever I want for myself. I can't wait to buy clothes. In a regular store. With a size that doesn't have an X in it.
7. Have professional family portraits done. We have some with me in them, but I'm so uncomfortable getting my picture taken that I avoid it at all costs. I'd love to have some beautiful family pictures taken without feeling like I have to hide myself with one of the kids.
8. Go the beach and be proud to wear a bathing suit. We went to the beach this summer, and I did wear a bathing suit with a cover up. I avoided taking the cover up off, even though I know it didn't cover the fact that I'm fat. I'd love to be able to take the kids up to the Lake Erie beaches on a regular basis and not be ashamed to wear a bathing suit and swim.
I'm sure there are more things I'll add to the list as I go along. I'm slowly starting to realize that I have so much to look forward to when I get healthy and thin. Maybe thin isn't really the most appropriate word, though. I just want to be a healthy weight. I want to feel good about the skin I'm in. Right now at 290ish (weigh in is tomorrow) pounds, I'm happy with my life and those in it. But I'm not happy with how I'm living it. My weight holds me back from doing so many things I'd love to do. That's not living life to the fullest.
So far I've been making healthy choices and I feel like my effort is paying off. I just hope I don't lost my motivation along the way. I've got some challenging months ahead of me with Jason being gone for an entire year. No doubt I'm going to want to fill my days of loneliness with food. It's going to be a struggle, and hopefully any time I feel tempted to feed my emotions, I can just reread this list instead and remind myself why I'm doing this.
On this list, the thing I'm looking forward to the most is the day Jason gets home. I really do want to look like a different person. I really do want him to be able to hold me when I jump into his arms. There are several days that I can remember like they were yesterday: my wedding day, the day each of my children were born, and the days that Jason came home from a deployment. I want to be able to remember this next "Coming Home" day as the day he saw me again for the first time. I want to have my own movie moment when I run to him and jump into his arms. That will be worth all this hard work and struggle along the way.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Take that, junk food!
Today was a day of victories!
Victory #1:
While we were running errands, we needed to eat lunch. Normally when we're out, we drive through McDonald's. My usual is a bacon and cheese snack wrap, double cheeseburger, medium fry and pop (yeah, yeah--no wonder I'm overweight). Instead, we ate at Subway. Now, I eat at Subway sometimes and I usually eat an entire 12 in sub on white bread with cheese and mayo. Obviously, that would be a bit much given my current diet. So instead I chose a 6 in turkey on flatbread, no cheese, lots of veggies and a bit of the sweet onion sauce. Much to my dismay, it tasted a-ma-zing! Perhaps even just a smidge better than that stuff I used to eat at McDonald's. Seriously. It was good. Take that, McDonald's junk! I don't need you anymore!
Victory #2:
My baby girl turns 1 August 10, and we're having her party tomorrow. I've recently decided I want to learn how to decorate cakes and make candies. Great timing, huh? Figures I want to take up a hobby that will just add to my waistline. But today I needed to prove to myself that I could make those tasteful sweets without indulging. I made 40 chocolate covered pretzels and a whole thing of chocolate covered oreos. I didn't eat a single one--not even the ones that broke or didn't turn out right. They went to the dogs, kids or into the trash. That's a first for me. A few weeks ago when I made cupcakes for Carlie's birthday, I think I ate 3 or 4 just to "taste test" them. I might allow myself one pretzel tomorrow, but truthfully it doesn't even sound good after making 40 of them. Take that, Sweet Stuff! I don't need you anymore either!
Victory #3:
This is perhaps the biggest victory of the day. I love pizza. I mean really, truly love pizza. Pepperoni and cheese--it just doesn't get any better than that! My mother-in-law brought our older two kids home this evening, and she brought supper--2 super, wonderfully yummy looking pizzas loaded with cheese and pepperoni. Now, in her defense, she doesn't know that I've changed my lifestyle and eating habits. Instead of pizza, I ate the tuna salad I made earlier today on a pita pocket and also had a low fat raspberry yogurt. I did look ever so longingly at the pizza as everyone else around me ate it. I'm pretty sure I cried a little tear. But in the end, the tuna satisified my hunger and it tasted pretty good. Maybe not as good as the pizza would have, though. I sent the leftover pizza home with my mother-in-law. No sense in having it tease me from the fridge. Take that, Pizza! I don't need you anymore, either! Okay, who am I kidding? I do need pizza, but just not not that really greasy pizza loaded with stuff that goes straight to my tush. I'll stick with the Lean Cuisine pizzas for now.
I think today I proved to myself that I do have self-control. I've probably had it all along. I just chose not to use it. Junk food and I have been best friends for too long. Instead of it being my best friend, I think it needs to be like that distant cousin that you only see a few times a year around the holidays. And even then, it needs to be in moderation.
Junk Food, you no longer have control over me. You may tempt me with your yummy smells and charming good looks, but you will no longer convince me that you're good for me. I'm learning how to make healthy choices. I can do this. I will do this! Junk Food, you will NOT win!
Victory #1:
While we were running errands, we needed to eat lunch. Normally when we're out, we drive through McDonald's. My usual is a bacon and cheese snack wrap, double cheeseburger, medium fry and pop (yeah, yeah--no wonder I'm overweight). Instead, we ate at Subway. Now, I eat at Subway sometimes and I usually eat an entire 12 in sub on white bread with cheese and mayo. Obviously, that would be a bit much given my current diet. So instead I chose a 6 in turkey on flatbread, no cheese, lots of veggies and a bit of the sweet onion sauce. Much to my dismay, it tasted a-ma-zing! Perhaps even just a smidge better than that stuff I used to eat at McDonald's. Seriously. It was good. Take that, McDonald's junk! I don't need you anymore!
Victory #2:
My baby girl turns 1 August 10, and we're having her party tomorrow. I've recently decided I want to learn how to decorate cakes and make candies. Great timing, huh? Figures I want to take up a hobby that will just add to my waistline. But today I needed to prove to myself that I could make those tasteful sweets without indulging. I made 40 chocolate covered pretzels and a whole thing of chocolate covered oreos. I didn't eat a single one--not even the ones that broke or didn't turn out right. They went to the dogs, kids or into the trash. That's a first for me. A few weeks ago when I made cupcakes for Carlie's birthday, I think I ate 3 or 4 just to "taste test" them. I might allow myself one pretzel tomorrow, but truthfully it doesn't even sound good after making 40 of them. Take that, Sweet Stuff! I don't need you anymore either!
Victory #3:
This is perhaps the biggest victory of the day. I love pizza. I mean really, truly love pizza. Pepperoni and cheese--it just doesn't get any better than that! My mother-in-law brought our older two kids home this evening, and she brought supper--2 super, wonderfully yummy looking pizzas loaded with cheese and pepperoni. Now, in her defense, she doesn't know that I've changed my lifestyle and eating habits. Instead of pizza, I ate the tuna salad I made earlier today on a pita pocket and also had a low fat raspberry yogurt. I did look ever so longingly at the pizza as everyone else around me ate it. I'm pretty sure I cried a little tear. But in the end, the tuna satisified my hunger and it tasted pretty good. Maybe not as good as the pizza would have, though. I sent the leftover pizza home with my mother-in-law. No sense in having it tease me from the fridge. Take that, Pizza! I don't need you anymore, either! Okay, who am I kidding? I do need pizza, but just not not that really greasy pizza loaded with stuff that goes straight to my tush. I'll stick with the Lean Cuisine pizzas for now.
I think today I proved to myself that I do have self-control. I've probably had it all along. I just chose not to use it. Junk food and I have been best friends for too long. Instead of it being my best friend, I think it needs to be like that distant cousin that you only see a few times a year around the holidays. And even then, it needs to be in moderation.
Junk Food, you no longer have control over me. You may tempt me with your yummy smells and charming good looks, but you will no longer convince me that you're good for me. I'm learning how to make healthy choices. I can do this. I will do this! Junk Food, you will NOT win!
Thursday, August 4, 2011
I think I must be sick...
"Mommy," he whispered, "I had a little accident," and he crawled up into my bed and pulled the covers over himself. I knew it couldn't possibly be morning yet. I felt like I just fell asleep. 5:45. Close enough to morning. Before I could say anything, Wyatt was already back asleep.
Now I'm in bed, wide awake and staring at the ceiling. I argue with myself about whether or not to get up and wash Wyatt's wet bed sheets or to go back to sleep. Then I think, "Well, I could work out before everyone gets up."
Yeah. I must be sick.
I think the last time I got up before 7 to work was...well, never. Maybe in high school when I played volleyball, we might have had a practice that early in the morning. But as far as my adult life goes, I've never been up that early to exercise.
Exercise is pretty foreign to me. Beyond high school sports, I never did work out. Sometimes I consider the marathon days of shopping exercise. Does that count? If not, it should. Shopping with my mom and aunt can be hard work.
After convincing myself to get out of bed, I put the dirty bed sheets in the washer, grabbed a glass of ice water, and I turned on the Wii to Zumba. Monday, my day of revelation, was the first time I ever tried to Zumba. I've heard about it for quite awhile now, seeing my friends post on Facebook about going to Zumba class. It sounded fun, so when I saw the game a few weeks ago for the Wii, I decided to try it.
I'm pretty sure anyone driving by looking into my window thinks that there's a housewife gone mad if they're watching me. I lack so much coordination, and I feel like a big dork when I'm Zumba-ing. On Monday, I thought I was going to bust a hip. I certainly wasn't busting a move. I stuck with it, though. And this morning, I actually got my highest score so far. 402. I don't know if that's a good score, but it's my personal best. And what I'm even more proud of is that I did my exercise in the morning, before I could get too busy with my day and convince myself that I didn't have enough time to fit it in.
That's 4 days in a row of exercise. It might only be 20 minutes at a time, but for someone who considers shopping as my only source of exercise, I'd say 20 minutes for 4 consecutive days is an accomplishment. I have to do this in baby steps. Otherwise, I might get discouraged and want to give up. My next goal is to join the YMCA and finally get a personal trainer and be brave enough to exercise in public. Baby steps...
I'm learning the exercise shouldn't be a form of punishment for myself. It should be fun and something I enjoy. Zumba really is fun, even if I look like an uncoordinated goofball. I do sweat. My heart rate does increase. It makes me feel good! Honestly, I've felt really great emotionally and physically these last few days. Maybe that person I was always meant to be is finally making an appearance.
Now I'm in bed, wide awake and staring at the ceiling. I argue with myself about whether or not to get up and wash Wyatt's wet bed sheets or to go back to sleep. Then I think, "Well, I could work out before everyone gets up."
Yeah. I must be sick.
I think the last time I got up before 7 to work was...well, never. Maybe in high school when I played volleyball, we might have had a practice that early in the morning. But as far as my adult life goes, I've never been up that early to exercise.
Exercise is pretty foreign to me. Beyond high school sports, I never did work out. Sometimes I consider the marathon days of shopping exercise. Does that count? If not, it should. Shopping with my mom and aunt can be hard work.
After convincing myself to get out of bed, I put the dirty bed sheets in the washer, grabbed a glass of ice water, and I turned on the Wii to Zumba. Monday, my day of revelation, was the first time I ever tried to Zumba. I've heard about it for quite awhile now, seeing my friends post on Facebook about going to Zumba class. It sounded fun, so when I saw the game a few weeks ago for the Wii, I decided to try it.
I'm pretty sure anyone driving by looking into my window thinks that there's a housewife gone mad if they're watching me. I lack so much coordination, and I feel like a big dork when I'm Zumba-ing. On Monday, I thought I was going to bust a hip. I certainly wasn't busting a move. I stuck with it, though. And this morning, I actually got my highest score so far. 402. I don't know if that's a good score, but it's my personal best. And what I'm even more proud of is that I did my exercise in the morning, before I could get too busy with my day and convince myself that I didn't have enough time to fit it in.
That's 4 days in a row of exercise. It might only be 20 minutes at a time, but for someone who considers shopping as my only source of exercise, I'd say 20 minutes for 4 consecutive days is an accomplishment. I have to do this in baby steps. Otherwise, I might get discouraged and want to give up. My next goal is to join the YMCA and finally get a personal trainer and be brave enough to exercise in public. Baby steps...
I'm learning the exercise shouldn't be a form of punishment for myself. It should be fun and something I enjoy. Zumba really is fun, even if I look like an uncoordinated goofball. I do sweat. My heart rate does increase. It makes me feel good! Honestly, I've felt really great emotionally and physically these last few days. Maybe that person I was always meant to be is finally making an appearance.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
The Junk Food Detox--it sucks.
I'm an addict and food is my crack.
It really is true that food IS an addiction. I'm sure people look at me all the time and think, "Geesh, lay off the Butterfingers and fries, fatty." A thin, healthy person who has never struggled with their weight probably thinks it should just be easy to start eating right and exercising. How hard could it be?
Well, I'm here to tell you that I'm only on day 2 of the junk food detox, and it sucks. It's hard. Last night all I could think of was a Butterfinger flurry from the dairy queen. I even visualized myself driving to get one at our favorite ice cream stand, and of course on this visualized drive, I had to drive right by Taco Bell. So then my mind was on a chicken burrito and nachos with cheese. It took everything I had not to go get them both. Then I actually contemplated digging the oreos out of the trash that I threw away the day before. Desperate? Maybe. Instead, I went into the kitchen and grabbed some grapes and a few cubes of cheese to go with my water.
The good thing is I mananged to squash the craving for the bad food, and I made a healthy choice. Me: 1. Junk Food: 0. In fact, I haven't had a bite of unhealthy food since the McDonald's I ate for lunch when my whole revelation occurred that I needed to do something about my food addiction and weight. I haven't even had a sip of diet pop in 48 hours. If you know me, you know that is just plain unheard of. Two days might seem like nothing, but to an addict, 48 hours is a looooong time to go without a drug. Yes, I know food isn't a drug. But I'm telling you, I feel like I'm going through withdraw. Food was my drug. Maybe it still is, but I'm learning how to overcome the addiction.
I know it'll get better in time. Maybe someday my dreams at night will revolve around running a 5K and eating some spinach like Popeye, but right now I'm dreaming of double cheeseburgers and burritos. And I'll have to settle for only tasting those foods in my dreams.
Wyatt keeps me straight. Yesterday morning he cut up a banana for my breakfast while I was letting the dogs out, and when I tucked him in last night, he said, "Now, don't eat anything bad, Mommy. Drink water and maybe have some grapes." God love that kid--he really does remind me why I'm doing this. He even offered to try a bite of carrots at lunch today because "they're healthy." He spit them out when I wasn't looking. But at least he tried. I think that is what makes this all worth it. The kids are already trying to follow my example. They were dancing around for exercise this morning, and then Wyatt made me promise we'd walk to the post office later.
Detox sucks. No doubt about it. But I know that once I get over these first weeks, I won't even crave the foods I use to crave. I keep repeating to myself that I'm in control--food is something I only need to eat to sustain my body, not ruin it. And I need to keep making healthy choices. I'm going to overcome this food addiction one healthy choice at a time.
It really is true that food IS an addiction. I'm sure people look at me all the time and think, "Geesh, lay off the Butterfingers and fries, fatty." A thin, healthy person who has never struggled with their weight probably thinks it should just be easy to start eating right and exercising. How hard could it be?
Well, I'm here to tell you that I'm only on day 2 of the junk food detox, and it sucks. It's hard. Last night all I could think of was a Butterfinger flurry from the dairy queen. I even visualized myself driving to get one at our favorite ice cream stand, and of course on this visualized drive, I had to drive right by Taco Bell. So then my mind was on a chicken burrito and nachos with cheese. It took everything I had not to go get them both. Then I actually contemplated digging the oreos out of the trash that I threw away the day before. Desperate? Maybe. Instead, I went into the kitchen and grabbed some grapes and a few cubes of cheese to go with my water.
The good thing is I mananged to squash the craving for the bad food, and I made a healthy choice. Me: 1. Junk Food: 0. In fact, I haven't had a bite of unhealthy food since the McDonald's I ate for lunch when my whole revelation occurred that I needed to do something about my food addiction and weight. I haven't even had a sip of diet pop in 48 hours. If you know me, you know that is just plain unheard of. Two days might seem like nothing, but to an addict, 48 hours is a looooong time to go without a drug. Yes, I know food isn't a drug. But I'm telling you, I feel like I'm going through withdraw. Food was my drug. Maybe it still is, but I'm learning how to overcome the addiction.
I know it'll get better in time. Maybe someday my dreams at night will revolve around running a 5K and eating some spinach like Popeye, but right now I'm dreaming of double cheeseburgers and burritos. And I'll have to settle for only tasting those foods in my dreams.
Wyatt keeps me straight. Yesterday morning he cut up a banana for my breakfast while I was letting the dogs out, and when I tucked him in last night, he said, "Now, don't eat anything bad, Mommy. Drink water and maybe have some grapes." God love that kid--he really does remind me why I'm doing this. He even offered to try a bite of carrots at lunch today because "they're healthy." He spit them out when I wasn't looking. But at least he tried. I think that is what makes this all worth it. The kids are already trying to follow my example. They were dancing around for exercise this morning, and then Wyatt made me promise we'd walk to the post office later.
Detox sucks. No doubt about it. But I know that once I get over these first weeks, I won't even crave the foods I use to crave. I keep repeating to myself that I'm in control--food is something I only need to eat to sustain my body, not ruin it. And I need to keep making healthy choices. I'm going to overcome this food addiction one healthy choice at a time.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
How did I get here?
My mom claims that she bought me slim jeans when I was a kid. I think she's lying. I never remember being thin. I'm sure there are pictures somewhere to prove it.
I'm not really sure how I got here. Back in 2004, I did a brief stint with Weight Watchers and got down to 215 pounds. That's the lowest I remember my weight being for quite awhile. I'm not sure how much I weighed when I got married in 2002, but I know it wasn't less than 200. My wedding gown was a size 20.
So, how did I get here? How did I let myself get to ___ pounds. Someday I'll share my starting weight. I promise. It's my ploy to keep you reading. Haha! Not really. I'm still just so ashamed to say what I weigh. I'm borderline whale status. Really, I am.
As a kid, I remember feeling fat. Goodness, what I wouldn't give to weigh what I weighed on the day I graduated from high school. I'm guessing I was around 175. I was picked on in school. Boys called me "Thunder Thighs" and they'd point their noses up at me and snort like a pig when I walked by. Those things hurt, and instead of that motivating me to lose weight, I fed my sadness with food. I can remember thinking eating 2 cheeseburgers, fries and a Hershey Sundae Pie from Burger King was normal. I don't think I was ever able to shop in the Junior's section of a department store. I went from wearing the "plus size girl" clothes to womens to eventually plus size. I'm slowly inching myself out of even being able to shop in a regular store at my current weight.
So it's no wonder I find myself where I am today. Old habits die hard.
I think my first major downward spiral happened after I quit Weight Watchers in 2004. My husband had deployed for the first time, and I started graduate school. Not a good combination for someone trying to lose weight. I found myself stuck in front of a computer screen writing papers. It was easier to order pizza or drive down the street to McDonalds than it was to cook for myself. I kept telling myself I'd get back on the health wagon after I finished graduate school.
When I graduated with my Master's, I was pregnant with my first child (Don't worry. My husband was home from the deployment. Wyatt is most definitely his child. Haha!). The weight loss train would have to wait. Then I started working as a teacher. Anyone who has ever been a first year teacher will tell you it's stressful. Add to that having a newborn, and food became my friend again. When Wyatt was 14 months old, I got pregnant with Carlie. Jason was deployed again for all of 2008. I used being pregnant as an excuse to eat what I wanted, and I never did lose any baby weight from either pregnancy.
At the start of my pregnancy with Kendra in 2009, I weighed around 270. I don't know exactly because I'd never ask or look at the scale when I went for my appointments with my midwife. So from 2004 to 2009, I let myself gain over 60 pounds. That means if I continue on with my current lifestyle, I could easily gain another 60 pounds by 2016.
It ain't happenin'!
I'm ashamed of myself for letting my weight get this out of control. My love affair with food and my sedintary lifestyle are killing me. I don't know why food has such a control over me. I guess maybe because it has never let me down. It makes me feel better to eat when I'm sad. When I'm mad. When I'm happy. But at the end of the day, it's just food. I'm at the point where I have to decide what's more important--eating that Bacon and Cheese Snack Wrap from the Golden Arches or choosing a salad and being there to see my babies grow up.
My taste buds will adjust eventually. The first few weeks will be the most difficult. I know that I can do this, though. I have to. There really is no other option unless I want to die from obesity. I guess it's kind of like a detox from junk food. It'll hurt, it'll suck, but in the end, it'll be worth it.
I'm no longer going to dwell on how I got here. Making myself feel like such a failure for my weight isn't going to help me. Today I'm moving forward. It's a new day to be a better me, and I'm going to start each morning by reminding myself that I'm worth it. My kids are worth it. My family is worth it. How I got here no longer matters. It's where I'm going that is important.
Current weight: 298.
I told you I'd share eventually. And since how I got here doesn't matter anymore, I'm ready to say good bye to that weight that is just a number. It doesn't define who I am. And I can say with confindence that I'll never see 298 again.
Current Goal: 288 by Sept. 15
Current State of Mind: Confident
I'm not really sure how I got here. Back in 2004, I did a brief stint with Weight Watchers and got down to 215 pounds. That's the lowest I remember my weight being for quite awhile. I'm not sure how much I weighed when I got married in 2002, but I know it wasn't less than 200. My wedding gown was a size 20.
So, how did I get here? How did I let myself get to ___ pounds. Someday I'll share my starting weight. I promise. It's my ploy to keep you reading. Haha! Not really. I'm still just so ashamed to say what I weigh. I'm borderline whale status. Really, I am.
As a kid, I remember feeling fat. Goodness, what I wouldn't give to weigh what I weighed on the day I graduated from high school. I'm guessing I was around 175. I was picked on in school. Boys called me "Thunder Thighs" and they'd point their noses up at me and snort like a pig when I walked by. Those things hurt, and instead of that motivating me to lose weight, I fed my sadness with food. I can remember thinking eating 2 cheeseburgers, fries and a Hershey Sundae Pie from Burger King was normal. I don't think I was ever able to shop in the Junior's section of a department store. I went from wearing the "plus size girl" clothes to womens to eventually plus size. I'm slowly inching myself out of even being able to shop in a regular store at my current weight.
So it's no wonder I find myself where I am today. Old habits die hard.
I think my first major downward spiral happened after I quit Weight Watchers in 2004. My husband had deployed for the first time, and I started graduate school. Not a good combination for someone trying to lose weight. I found myself stuck in front of a computer screen writing papers. It was easier to order pizza or drive down the street to McDonalds than it was to cook for myself. I kept telling myself I'd get back on the health wagon after I finished graduate school.
When I graduated with my Master's, I was pregnant with my first child (Don't worry. My husband was home from the deployment. Wyatt is most definitely his child. Haha!). The weight loss train would have to wait. Then I started working as a teacher. Anyone who has ever been a first year teacher will tell you it's stressful. Add to that having a newborn, and food became my friend again. When Wyatt was 14 months old, I got pregnant with Carlie. Jason was deployed again for all of 2008. I used being pregnant as an excuse to eat what I wanted, and I never did lose any baby weight from either pregnancy.
At the start of my pregnancy with Kendra in 2009, I weighed around 270. I don't know exactly because I'd never ask or look at the scale when I went for my appointments with my midwife. So from 2004 to 2009, I let myself gain over 60 pounds. That means if I continue on with my current lifestyle, I could easily gain another 60 pounds by 2016.
It ain't happenin'!
I'm ashamed of myself for letting my weight get this out of control. My love affair with food and my sedintary lifestyle are killing me. I don't know why food has such a control over me. I guess maybe because it has never let me down. It makes me feel better to eat when I'm sad. When I'm mad. When I'm happy. But at the end of the day, it's just food. I'm at the point where I have to decide what's more important--eating that Bacon and Cheese Snack Wrap from the Golden Arches or choosing a salad and being there to see my babies grow up.
My taste buds will adjust eventually. The first few weeks will be the most difficult. I know that I can do this, though. I have to. There really is no other option unless I want to die from obesity. I guess it's kind of like a detox from junk food. It'll hurt, it'll suck, but in the end, it'll be worth it.
I'm no longer going to dwell on how I got here. Making myself feel like such a failure for my weight isn't going to help me. Today I'm moving forward. It's a new day to be a better me, and I'm going to start each morning by reminding myself that I'm worth it. My kids are worth it. My family is worth it. How I got here no longer matters. It's where I'm going that is important.
Current weight: 298.
I told you I'd share eventually. And since how I got here doesn't matter anymore, I'm ready to say good bye to that weight that is just a number. It doesn't define who I am. And I can say with confindence that I'll never see 298 again.
Current Goal: 288 by Sept. 15
Current State of Mind: Confident
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